On Peeing and Not Being Observed But Thinking About Being Observed.

January 12, 2012 § 5 Comments

So Ryan told me the other day that athletes, when they get drug tested, have to be observed WHILE they are peeing.  You know, to make sure these athletes aren’t cheating and stealing someone else’s pee. You know?

Well, this got me thinking seriously and let me tell you why.

The day Ryan tells me this, but prior to him telling me this, I go to the doctor’s office for some kidney pain. They send me to the laboratory. These doctor people tell me I have to pee in this cup. Which, okay. No big deal. They say, “Make sure to follow the directions on this sheet” and then give me this sheet that tells me how to stand over the toilet, how to sanitize myself, and when to start catching the pee in the cup.

So I’m squatting there, backwards, over the toilet, holding my cup and trying to hold “myself” and the instructions too. I am very concerned about these instructions because I want all of this to be accurate. After starting to pee in the cup and then realizing I am supposed to wait gathering until midflow, I pour out the pee, and start over. Then drop the instructions in the toilet. Upon distraction, I pee on the outside of the cup. Upon reaching for the paper towels, I pee on my hand. After wiping my hand and the outside of the cup and tightening the lid, I place the urine sample in the little box. Upon pulling up my pants and standing up from the toilet, I lose balance and hit my head on the paper towel dispenser. I feel hot. I feel red. I blame this on my kidneys then wash my hands. Water from the faucet sprays all over my shirt.

After relaying these events later to Ryan, he says, “Did you know that athletes have to be observed while they pee?”

Hmmm. I think I know where you’re going with this and just so you know: I don’t like it.

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