The truth is I get annoyed when I hear people talk about marriage like it’s some kind of battle. Like it’s some kind of funny war, some kind of competition between spouses and ha ha ha, isn’t it so funny how ridiculous we are? How crazy we can be? Ha ha ha. Like how we yell and scream or call each other names or throw tantrums or silent protests to prove a point or get what we want? (As if what we want is always, always not what the other wants?) Ha ha ha –I shouldn’t have said that. I shouldn’t have done that. But hey, I love you even though I don’t know how to prove it when I’m mad. Let’s make up and make love. (Unless, of course, you’re to the point where you no longer make love.)
Don’t get me wrong. I believe in forgiveness and new beginnings more than I believe Cheetos really will kill me someday. I just don’t think it’s funny when I hear people justify fighting–and I mean full-on battling: “What I want” vs. “What you want” emphasis on vs.–because it’s normal, because “that’s just how marriage is,” and “Ah, marriage.” As if normalcy is the standard we’re all aiming for? I mean, come on–divorce is literally normal.
Yeah, so. We’re all idiots. We all mess up. We all have disagreements and we should. But enough with the crap—of being crap as if it’s unavoidable. Enough with the excuses. Enough with being mean because it’s normal in marriage or because it’s normal for you. The whole world is mean and the world sucks. Why would we ever justify being like it? And to those we love or should love most.
Of course I don’t know everything about marriage. Of course I’m not perfect at it. But of course that’s not the point. This is:
Fighting–putting each other down, hurting each other’s feelings, ignoring each other’s needs, etc., etc.–is mean. It’s wrong and it is never deserved or justified.
The greatest advice on marriage I ever received was from my own mother: “Just be kind,” she said and still says. I have to say that there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about this. There isn’t a day or an hour or a moment that goes by that I don’t have to choose this.