That’s all. I’m done with my first year of graduate school and my first year of teaching. Just submitted grades and emailed my students to let them know their papers are in my box if they want to pick them up. (Will they pick up their papers? Probably not. But just in case . . . I spent fifteen hours grading and commenting on them. No big deal.)
The thing is. This has been the hardest year. (I measure years by school years, FYI.) And not just because of graduate school stress stress stress and passive aggressive students and mean students and apathetic students. But because of this year’s paradigm shift.
I mean, I’ve had paradigm shifts before–you know, like enlightenments. But this year’s paradigm shift feels less like an enlightenment and more like an en-darken-ment. Perhaps this is normal? Perhaps this is part of growing?
Sometimes I’m afraid of God and not in the “God-fearing Christian” kind of way. In the, “I’m afraid of what You think I can handle, or what my brother can handle, or my mom, or my dad, or my friends or anyone can handle, and Can You take all the dark parts of life, of me, away?”
It’s a weird feeling, feeling like God might break your heart. Or even worse, that that’s just life and God has little to do with it. I want to believe He has something to do with it so it’s all worth something in the end.
One time God promised me He would never do anything to crush me or destroy me. I thought, “Interesting choice of words . . . .” He’s kept his promise (even though I haven’t been the most grateful this year. He knows this. I’ve been confused, you know, mixing up blessings and cursings). I mean, I’m still here, beating, blinking, sipping cranberry juice through a straw. There’s something strangely beautiful about that–about me being still here.
Of course none of this makes sense and I’m talking in abstracts and obscurely. I guess what I want to say is. This has been a hard year and I wish I could have handled a lot of it better, but. I learned a lot. You know, the brain, heart, nerve, and gut kind of learning. I guess that’s the point.