I haven’t written on the temple changes but not because I haven’t been thinking about them. I’ve been thinking a lot. I tried writing something yesterday, but I didn’t publish it because I didn’t know what I wanted to say because I didn’t know what I felt. I still don’t.
I’ve been thinking about my past experiences in the temple. About women and their inherent power and the power limited toward them. About change. Correction vs. revelation. Responsibility and accountability of institutions and responsibility and accountability for my own faith. I’ve been thinking about women who have been ostracized or excommunicated for advocating for some of these temple changes. Some who have come back and others who probably never will.
I just want to get out my feelings right now—in the middle of things—because it’s a step in the process that I rarely write about while in it. So here goes:
I don’t feel clarity. I feel glad and hopeful yet confused, and at times angry and very, very suspicious. More suspicious than ever. There have been powerful experiences I’ve had in the temple but there has also been so much confusion and a lot of resentment from it. I did a lot of work—reading, praying, pondering, studying—to try and make sense of it and there were times when I felt like I found some real answers. And now all that work feels unnecessary and wasted because so many of my questions and doubts were just eliminated but without any explanation as to why. As if, no big deal. Policy changes. About woman’s eternal role.
I’m suspicious of deliberate or unintentional mistakes—abusive, spiritually damaging and destructive mistakes—guised under the term revelation. It makes me feel sick. I felt sick at the Be One celebration when we celebrated a prophet supposedly receiving the revelation to remove the Priesthood ban. IT NEVER SHOULD HAVE BEEN THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE. It was wrong. Say it. Say “I’m sorry you ever thought God thought less of you and we didn’t let you have temple ordinances that we believed would exalt you because we were repulsed by your feet or we cared more about what past leaders did than finding real answers for you.”
But there will always be enough silence from leaders and enough spiritual experiences from God for that small window of uncertainty to make me feel paralyzed. Were the past 150 years in the temple a result of corrupt and sexist views? I believe so. But my leaders won’t say that and I continue to feel slightly guilty for thinking it.
I’m glad for these changes. It will be simpler for my daughters and for young women. They won’t wonder, like I did, OMG is God actually hierarchical? And women are below men in that hierarchy for the simple sake of order? In moments of doubting my own self-worth after attending the temple, I approached God. “What do you think of me? What does all this mean?” I asked. For the first time, I literally doubted how God felt about me. God told me, “You know how I feel about you. Hold onto that.” Despite what you feel in the temple, know I love you and see you and value you.
What do my past feelings mean and what do I feel now? I know God works us through the doubt and fuzziness. I know God makes up the difference. But He has also always promised to hold those who place stumbling blocks or caused suffering or practiced unrighteous dominion accountable. He will hold me accountable too. Where do I go from here? What do I do?
Right now I’m waiting. I’m listening. I thought I’d share that publicly because I think that’s important to recognize: that there are others out there not saying anything, who don’t absolutely know everything or anything and so we wait. If we don’t actually need to wait, if our leaders know something that will make this less traumatically uncertain for us, please tell us. Please talk about it with us. In the meantime, I’m waiting for God’s voice directly to me because I refuse to have a mediator this time. I will be here—unveiled and open.
As I read over this, as I sit here, writing in the dark, because it’s so late and I can’t sleep, and I have a massive headache, I’m feeling in the back of my mind and in the back of my chest, But of you, it is required to forgive all men. And I don’t even want to write that right now. I know it pisses people off—it pisses me off—and I think that phrase is often used as a cop out to toss at people who have been wronged or hurt. And I believe in accountability and I believe in saying what’s true and I hate Pharisees and I hate liars and I hate deniers and I hate everyone who doesn’t say anything and tells me to shush and tells me to doubt myself that I don’t know that I’m not righteous enough that I must not get it that I should feel this and I should say this. I hate that all and still, right now, against all odds and against all my will, I literally feel God telling me, But of you, it is required to forgive all men.
Even if no leader apologizes and what a freaking waste of decades of pain and struggle of real people and real faith and their real relationship to you? I want your justice because I’ve already felt your mercy.
But of you, it is required to forgive all men.
For the first time, I cry.
I feel the resentment begin to leave me. Is this how forgiveness starts? A release of the flood?
I cry again.
Womormonings 
Correction vs revelation is an interesting thought process when it comes to understanding the way the Church functions in society compared to what it teaches doctrinally. Let me mention another controversial doctrine – eternal marriage and polygamy. Or how about the law of consecration? In regards to those doctrines, I would research them to try to understand why those modern revelations of ancient principles took longer to come than others and why they are limited in their application or use today. Try to understand the doctrine itself and then look at the health and size of the church as well as the society’s stance at that time.
Priesthood ban with blacks is another you specifically mentioned. Let’s look at that one real quick. From today’s mindset and not a historical one, it seems inexcusable. Now let’s look at the scriptures for a parallel. During the Savior’s ministry, the apostles never actively sought to share the gospel with the Gentiles until they got the revelation to do so. Had God made a mistake? Was this a correction? Or was this revelation? Revelation typically doesn’t happen until we are ready and prepares to receive it. Similarly, what was the attitude and view of society and the whole of blacks when the Church was restored? Joseph Smith before his martyrdom was going to run for the Presidency of the United States and part of his platform was freeing the slaves so he doesn’t sound like a racist to me. God isn’t a racist. So who was he waiting on to prepare themselves for the revelation that all men could receive the priesthood? Why did it take until 1978? What was society’s opinions then? Are there similarities we can draw from extending the gospel to both the Gentiles and the Jews and the priesthood to both Caucasians and Blacks?
Now with the woman’s role there is no better place to find the Church’s stance on that than the Family Proclamation. Are women below men? First off, the only talk I can think of that discusses hierarchies in the church destroys the very concept of them in President Benson’s talk called “Beware of Pride.” I was raised and believed that there are only two genders (scientifically) and spiritually they are help meets to each other. They are equals. They are not identical and they have different roles but neither one is above the other. Priesthood happens to be part of our role but the power in the priesthood is not the same as the authority of the priesthood. If you think back to your own temple experiences, each living or saving ordinance needs to be consecrated or sealed by priesthood authority. Who helped you with your initiatory? How do we become priests and priestesses, kings and queens, or gods and goddesses? Is there a difference between priesthood authority, power and ordination? And when worthy males are ordained what covenants do they make?
“Beware of Pride” is also relevant to those that seek or aspire for specific callings. If anyone understands what is asked of a Bishop or a Stake President or an apostle then I don’t think they would ever volunteer for the role… I’ve only ever heard those who have accepted those calls talk about their own inadequacies and feelings of unworthiness. A person’s self worth is completely separate from both an individual’s worthiness and callings in the Church. I know plenty of people that serve faithfully in callings that aren’t held to high esteem or highly regarded that find a lot fulfillment in them. The more authority or responsibility a calling requires the more people you serve. So does God attribute more worth to those on top than those in the trenches? Is a sole prophet more important than a regular disciple? I’d love to ask Moroni his opinion when he was the sole believer left on the American continent…
The other interesting aspects of the Priesthood and female or male roles is that Christlike attributes are neither male or female. We have things like charity, patience, faith, etc. Are there major differences between those and the attributes listed in the Young Women’s theme and values? Christ is the exemplar for both men and women. How could God then have a hierarchy based on sex? Shouldn’t there be a different exemplar for each gender if they were truly unequal?
I’m not saying that your feelings or opinions should make you feel anything justified or guilty. I’m saying your worth is eternal and independent from your gender. What helps you calculate your divine worth or individual worth? I’d love it if can separate these related topics from each other to discuss the changes. Why do you personally feel the changes are a huge step forward for women in the Church?
In response to your sentence “God doesn’t make changes until we’re ready for it” – what about those minorities who were or are ready for it? Black members were ready but denied. In light of the current changes, many women have been ready. By the church, do you mean the white majority or the male population wasn’t ready for it? I find that hard to reconcile that God will reveal based on the feelings of white members and/or male members and/or heterosexual members.