Immature Things

Sometimes we learn things by learning how not to do things. In my quest for maturity as a married girl, I am sharing what I have learned about maturity by sharing what I have learned is not maturity:

  • Telling your spouse that you can’t wait until he dies so you can remarry. Even if you’re joking, he won’t think this is funny.
  • Not folding the laundry for days because you’re too lazy. This means you have to rewash all the clothes to really get out all those wrinkles.
  • Spitting out hot food in your mouth onto the floor. If you don’t clean it up, no one will.
  • “Cleaning” by hiding all the clothes in the closet. When giving a tour of your new home, you will regret this.
  • Eating chocolate truffles and Starbursts for breakfast. This gives you headaches and diarrhea throughout the day.
  • Moaning about how much you’ve eaten and how fat you feel while continuing to eat popcorn. Your spouse might say, “Then stop eating,” which will be offensive and lead to feelings of bitterness, self-doubt, and self-loathing.
  • Spilling your jewelry box onto the floor and throwing a tantrum by walking away. No matter how long you’re away, the mess of jewelry will still be there when you get back.
  • Making dinosaur sounds in front of guests. You embarrass your spouse, but you also embarrass yourself.
  • Running as fast as you can up the stairs. You will trip. You will fall.
  • Farting on your spouse’s head during morning prayer. This is not intimacy, this is . . . immaturity.
  • Walking around the house in your underwear with all the windows open, saying, “What? I want the neighbors to see me.” When all your neighbors are fellow church members, you will regret this come Sunday.
  • Yelling at the dishes. This does not clean them and annoys your spouse who may have cleaned them for you.
  • Crying and blushing about how much your job frustrates you to your boss. You can’t take it back and you will not get a promotion.
  • Stealing roses from a neighborhood house. If not your conscience, the neighbors or the pincher bugs will get you.
  • Biting your spouse, not because you’re kinky, but because you’re angry.
  • Telling your spouse that he needs to share his drink because you think you might die. When he doesn’t share, and you don’t die, well, he won’t believe you anymore.
  • Eating chips in bed. Even if you put a rag underneath your chin to catch the crumbs, the crumbs will find a way . . . onto your spouse.
  • Calling your students “suckers” in an email. Some might laugh, but some will copy and paste it in your teacher evaluations.

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